According to the experts (i.e. recipients of large government research grants), practically everything that’s wrong in the world is a result of global warming. The long list of reported problems range from feral cat population increases, to rape. That’s right, rape. (I know!)

So it occurs to me that most of us have probably witnessed some of the negative impacts of climate change in our own lives. (I have personally experienced an increasingly frequent desire to “attack” certain individuals as a result of climate change, but have thus far been able to suppress the impulse, much to my dissatisfaction.)

And because climate change has such far reaching and unpredictable consequences, and seems to negatively impact nearly every facet of our lives, it is probably reasonable to assume that non of us, individually, are responsible for anything bad that happens in our lives.

Late for work? “Sorry I’m late, boss — this global warming thing is really slowing me down. I think we should talk about it in our next company meeting; it’s really affecting our productivity.”

Gaining weight? Climate change has been shown to increase calorie retention. Who would have thought that turning on lights could cause obesity, and yet the experts say. . .

Bill collectors calling? Climate change is expensive. “Get off my back, I don’t have the money, climate change is affecting me. Call me back when you buy a Prius and fix the environment, you ecologically impaired mean person!”

If the bank turns you down for a loan, explain that you’ll be forced to burn coal, plastic, and tires to heat your home.

You see, there is a silver lining to every cloud. If you play it right, climate change, while destroying the world, can bring you endless relief from guilt!